Derek was annoyed that he had just missed the No 75 bus! He would now need to wait a full fifteen minutes for the next one and the rain was pouring down with manifest malice. Unfortunately the eighteen-year old lad had neglected to bring his umbrella and his shoes were leaking buckets.

Softly he swore under his breath and vowed never again to ignore the cruel and capricious nature of British weather. How he envied his uncle Tony who now lived in the south of Spain. Cockney sparrow Anthony had a simple and easily digested philosophy of life which had been communicated succinctly to young Derek. "It's all about birds, beer, loafing and good grub." Sound advice, thought Derek.
The young Cockney was looking forward to his interview with the very attractive careers advisor, Caroline Farqois. She was a lovely bit of crumpet and he wondered if he should ask her out for a drink. He reminded himself that he was good-looking, witty and debonair. It seemed almost certain that she must fancy him.

When he finally arrived at the Careers Advice Centre, he was wet and sweaty. He had a keen awareness of his stinking clothes and armpits and secretly vowed to suppress his romantic intentions. The bird would have to be patient, he concluded smugly.
^ the beautiful Caroline Farqois
(taken by Derek's mobile phone)
Miss Farqois was most anxious to find Derek an exciting and fulfilling career. She probed him relentlessly.

"Accountancy would be an excellent choice for a young man with your obvious talents. With your A level choices - Double Maths and French you would be very useful to any thriving business as a first-rate chartered accountant."

"No, Miss Farqois - that's not for me."

"What about a career as a solicitor or a barrister? They earn excellent salaries and it's a status-affirming career.

"No, Miss Farqois - that's not my cup of tea."

"What about exploring the insurance options? Actuaries, for example, are highly-paid professionals who live in big houses, travel to exotic locations and often marry attractive spouses."

"No, Miss Farqois - that would be deadly dull!"

"Well Derek do you have any suggestions that might shed light on your future profession?"

"I know this might shock you, Miss Farqois, but I have decided to emigrate to America and join the Mafia. Organised crime deeply appeals to me. I've done considerable research and when you examine the lives of men like Alphonse Capone, 'Lucky' Luciano and 'Bugsy' Siegel, you cannot seriously consider the kind of careers that you are suggesting.
Heroes: Alphonse Capone, 'Lucky' Luciano & 'Bugsy' Siegel
I have always wanted to be an idle loafer like my uncle Tony and the life of the hardened criminal suits me down to the ground. All you need is the ability to intimidate your underlings and victims. The rest of your time is focused on enjoying cordon bleu cooking, vintage wines, cigars and beautiful women. That's the life for me Miss Farqois. Almost no work and fantastic pecuniary rewards.

I should also add that gangsters always have the best nicknames and that's the unique selling feature of this profession. Consider the following. Jimmy 'The Weasel' Fratianno, Vincent 'The Chin' Gigante, Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano, and Vincenzo 'the Egg' Cotroni. Beat that if you can."
Names that read like poetry - from left to right . . . meet the boys!
1.Jimmy 'The Weasel' Fratianno
2.Vincent 'The Chin' Gigante
3.Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano
4.Vincenzo 'the Egg' Cotroni
Miss Farqois was clearly disturbed by this sudden revelation of intent and motioned young Derek to be quiet.

"Sorry Derek but now is not the time to joke and play the fool. We're talking about your future. This is serious stuff!"

"But Miss Farqois I am being deadly serious. A life of crime appeals to me enormously. I repeat my sustained thesis. Almost no work and a vast salary. That's what everyone really wants in the western world. Am I right or am I right?"

The stunningly good-looking careers advisor became pensive and decided to probe further.

"Where did you get these ridiculous ideas from Derek? Has your uncle Tony corrupted you?"
"Not at all, Miss Farqois. Uncle Tony is as honest as the day is long. In actual fact, Mr Perkins, our Biology teacher at St. Wandsworths comprehensive has really helped me to think through the issues clearly and logically. He opened my eyes to the simple facts of life.
^Perky Perkins, Richard Dawkins & David Attenborough
We are all animals and we are all struggling to survive. Just turn on the telly Miss Farqois and clever, important scientists like David Attenborough and Richard Dawkins will convince you of the truth of Darwinian evolution.

At the end of the day life boils down to a titanic struggle for survival. There are strong animals and weak animals. People like Jimmy 'The Chop' Marini and Joey 'Kneecap' Santorielli are supremely cunning beasts of prey. The losers, the gazelles and the fawns, the hookers and the bums are their victims and I don't want to be one of them."
Miss Farqois was speechless and excused herself while she went to consult a more senior careers advisor about this delicate and challenging situation. She left her office flustered and ill-at-ease. She had also completed her GCSE Biology course with flying colours.

Derek was now alone in the interview room and he quickly noticed that the hapless careers advisor had left her handbag on the table. Like a cheetah in its pomp, Derek moved swiftly and examined the contents of the bag and hurriedly removed £60 from an obscure pocket.

This was a promising beginning to his new career.